Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
