Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
