Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
