I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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