i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
