my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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