so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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