You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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