My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
