I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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