in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
