she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
