I am midnight drunk by noon
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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