remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
