we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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