This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
