The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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