Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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