Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
