Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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