God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
