So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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