So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
