I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
