my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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