Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
