you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
