I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
