Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
