U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
