maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
