my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
