Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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