Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
