You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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