For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
