Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize