ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
