It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
