Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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