Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
