WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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