I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
