Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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