I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
