I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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