Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
