I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
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