Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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