Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
