oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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