So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
