he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
