hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
