haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
