So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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