i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
